I’m an emotional person. It’s not hard for me to write that (except for my fingers fumbling over my phone, at my work desk, where I’m writing this). I can easily wear my heart on my sleeve, but of all the emotions, anger is usually the first one people see. All the others I keep bottled up inside. Which makes me feel heavy and constantly searching for a breath.
I downloaded a meditation app the other night as I was laying in my bed. It was around midnight and a chirping smoke detector (which just happened to be in my room) was constantly letting me know that its batteries were dying. I saw the app, next to the RelaxMelodies app that I was actually searching for, and thought, “why not?” A little good breathing and meditation never hurts. Maybe it will teach me to literally take a breath before getting angry, wanting to cry, or being tempted to hit something (because honestly that is what my first instinct is a lot of the times).
Going back to feelings: I wish it was okay to break out into tears at random times. But, I know it would freak people out and everyone would wonder if we were unstable. I actually don’t usually cry when sad, I get more empathetic. My tears come when extremely happy or extremely stressed out and all the bottled up stuff comes out. I don’t think we handle emotions of other people well. It’s another level of intimacy and intentionality in our relationships, and most people don’t even want to go there. I can name three people that I truly can lay all my emotions out there to them and not worry that they freak out or get weird on me.
I’m also a highly sensitive person (easily overwhelmed when a lot is happening), anxious, an Enneagram 6 whose basic fear is no support or security, and an INFJ, meaning one of my weaknesses is being extremely private.
And I feel like allll of this has been culminating into a whole pile of something and I’m buried at the bottom of it. Overwhelmed, ready to hide, and ready for peace and calmness. My worry has grown into a literal mountain and I know it’s time to allow God to throw it into the sea.
He’s been revealing it slowly over the past few days. But really, I’m sure He does it every day and I don’t always recognize it. What else has my worry or fear allowed me to miss? I’m afraid to know what all, but when I’m open and receiving of it? It moves me to tears, because it makes me extremely happy. Like on a day when I was feeling unseen and an elderly lady in our church called me by name. I didn’t even know she knew my name. Or when after a day full of anger and ugly words spoken to myself, a friend hands me a note with sweet words on how she has seen me grow over the past couple of months. Or when a friend looked me in the eye while we were talking. Small moments, with huge impacts.
Three hours after beginning this post, and now on my front porch, I find myself asking, “Where do I go from here, Lord?” And I know all the churchy and typical answers, but it’s easier to say them than it is to actually do them. Get in the Word. Pray more. Keep going to church and stay in community. You never expect the best things to lose their glimmer, but when not rooted in the One Who holds all things together, they do. What about those times when I don’t look forward to tomorrow? Or to church? Or to opening my Bible? I feel the sweet Spirit whispering to me that that is okay. He still surrounds me and He is interceding and speaking words and prayers for me. The One who knows me better than myself, also longs to show me what is best and right and true. I must let Him do His thing.
With each sign that I am seen, known, and heard, I feel a little more of the mountain rubble being pulled from me. Rays of light begin peaking through, shining on my face, like when the shadows of trees dance on an afternoon porch. I know that soon I’ll be able to put my hand through to the air and I will be lifted out. I’m aware that more troubles will come, that I’m not promised an easy life. But, I’m also not called to be buried under a mountain, God has raised me to a new life. A new creation. With each day that I let words of love be spoken over me and when I quiet myself to see God, even in the small things, I feel a new piece unfolding.
I know my emotions are strong, but they are not what give me life. Yet, how I handle them is so important. I can’t give them over to other people, or to social media, or to these pages, or even to myself. When I do that, it only adds to the mountain that seeks to bury me. I must give them to God and let Him throw them into the sea. Morning, noon, night, and every hour. All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give. Freely is hard for me to recite in that line. I so want to hold onto everything, I’m reluctant to give it away. Extremely private remember? I even try to be this way with God, but it doesn’t work when He is the one Who created you and knows every, innermost part of you and even your thoughts before you speak them. How ridiculous of me to even try, Lord. No longer.
So with this, comes a break from the things that only feed my emotions and draw me farther from where I need to be and the One I need to be closer to. Right now I know that to be social media. I’ve always rolled my eyes at the people who “take a break” and are back within a week. If that happens here, expect me to fully be rolling my eyes at myself. I’m not deleting anything or pulling a T-Swift (and now Blake Lively) and erasing all the photos before announcing something huge. It will all still be there for y’all to look at, if you ever choose to. And I’ll be around in small parts due to my job. But, it has to stop being the first thing I wake up to and the last thing before I close my eyes. Will I habitually pick up my phone to open an app? Yep, probably. Will it be hard? Yes, absolutely. Will I not know what people are talking about some days? Yes, absolutely. Do I think I will regret it? Definitely, not.
I’m fairly certain I will find myself in this space more often though. Who knows, this may be another piece of the mountain rubble that has to go one day, but for now, I’ll still be here. Writing from my front porch as I listen in on a neighbor’s jazz music serenade the neighborhood and as I start the climb from out under the mountain…
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