Here, in photos, is what I've been up these past two-ish months that I've been gone from this place. And some thoughts on what I've been learning while I've been silent here.
I'm not usually one to have a full calendar. My weekends are normally slow and uneventful, the majority of the time finds me cleaning my house and then sitting on the couch reading or watching something on Netflix. These past two months have looking nothing like that! July started with me celebrating my favorite holiday, then taking a trip to Memphis to see family and celebrate my Grandmother turning 88! I house-sat for some friends and enjoyed every moment of having a dog again -- even if for just two weeks! The start of August brought my best friend to visit me for a long weekend and she crashed a birthday party and a wedding with me while she was here. We even escaped to the beach for a day. And last weekend I got to reunite with some college friends as we celebrated one of our dear friends as a bride-to-be.
Yet, with the hustle and bustle of life filling my calendar, my heart hasn't always been in it. Friends and laughter have surrounded me, but when they don't and it's just me in a room, I've had to fight off darkness. I've had to fight off the lonely. I've had to fight off the deafening silence. I've had to fight off the unknowing and the lost feeling. I've had to fight off the wandering that my soul is so, so prone to.
Things haven't just been silent here, they have been silent in all areas of my life. Especially in my relationship with the Lord. I know that we are called to be still. To trust. To believe. To seek. To ask. Lately, I have just been questioning. Angrily questioning if I'm honest. I'm asking, yes, but not with a faithful heart. I've been questioning and asking God, "why?" about a lot of areas of my life. Why are things turning out a certain way? Why do I not have certain things? Why are these things happening?
But, the "why" question that gets me the most is this: why am I still questioning when I have seen the provision, the guidance, the faithfulness, and the sovereignty of You, God? Why am I afraid to let my faith grow stronger? Why am I afraid to let You work in all areas of my life? Why do I keep replacing You with other fruitless and dead things? Why do I keep living like I'm dead when You have raised me to life? Why do I keep looking for joy in other things that are not from You? Lord, why do I keep questioning and asking why, when You have already given me the most sufficient Answer that I need?
All I need, all the truth I seek, all the joy I desire, is found in You, by way of Your Son, and the power and presence of Your Holy Spirit. Let me hold on to that, Lord.
"To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'" John 8:31-32
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