Sunday I sat across the table from a friend while at lunch and I told her that August had sucked. It had. The end of July is when things really began to spiral and then just spilled over into all of August. It wasn’t fun. I don’t know that I’ve ever had quite a month like August was. She asked me what sparked it, what started the downwardness? I couldn’t tell her, because I’m honestly not sure.
July/August marks three months of counseling. Maybe it’s that I’m getting to those places where I desperately need to be, but don’t want to be. Those places where my emotions have been buried for so long, that I’ve never let anyone see them. They are starting to come out now. And that is scary.
See, I’m a peacemaker. A 9 on the enneagram and avoider of conflict. Something else that means? For me, I don’t do vulnerability. I can look at every single relationship I have — family, friends, guys — and see that there’s only a certain level that I go to. Eventually, we get to a wall and I don’t want to go over it. I’ve never had a thing for heights and apparently never a thing for depth when it comes to relationships.
I don’t let people see me cry, I stuff and bury emotions until they fester, and then I explode into anger.
Does’t seem like a peacemaker at all. Because there hasn’t been any peace.
I always love the beginning of a new month. Every thirty or so days, we get a fresh start, a new page turned on the calendar. While each day brings new hours and new chances, whatever happens in their twenty-four hours can carry from day to day. Yet, a new month seems to bring a completely new start.
This past weekend, I went on a quick trip with my parents. We were hoping to see a fun concert, but instead it got rained out. While laying in the hotel room that night, I realized that much of that night felt like a picture of the first half of this year for me. At first, I was excited for something fun. I was looking forward with anticipation and hope that it would be good. There wasn’t anything near to ruin plans. Quickly a dark shadow formed behind us and things changed fast. I was sitting there looking at everything I wanted, but was told I had to leave. It wasn’t going to happen.
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